1. Joining the end of a very long queue and being unable to read the extensive menu written in a font reserved for bibles. Progressing slowly up said queue until I reach the front where, unable to read the menu with sufficient speed, I order the first thing I can see. Which bears little resemblance to what I actually want.
2. Use of Americanisms such as "regular" to describe a medium sized cup of coffee and "tall" to describe a large sized cup of coffee. Is it now politically incorrect to call a medium sized cup "medium"? Am I about to be arrested by the coffee cup police for prejudice?
3. Ever increasingly ridiculous names for a cup of coffee. Cappuccino, latte, mocca, moccaccino, babyccino. Whatever happened to normal coffee, black or white, with sugar or no sugar? Simple as.
4. Receiving my skinny latte with a double shot and cinamon twist in a paper cup which, absent cardboard sleeve, removes the outer dermis from my fingers, causing me to lose my grip and drop said paper cup all over the counter. And then order another.
5. Warning signs that the cup contains hot liquid. Really? I'm stunned. See 4 above.
6. Insufficient room for adding milk, which leads me to fill the cup to the brim and then attempt to put the plastic lid back on, thereby spilling scalding hot liquid (that, to be fair, I had been warned about - see 4 and 5 above - onto my hand.
7. Frappuccino. Coffee is meant to be drunk hot. End of.
8. Overpriced Italian coffee biscuits that wink at me from the counter as I pay for my, already overpriced, coffee.
9. Attempting to suck my overpriced coffee through the hole in the lid, thereby spilling the contents down my suit.
10. Listening to other people attempting to suck overpriced coffee through the hole in the lid, prior to them spilling the contents over themselves.
11. Caffeine jitters after finishing a "tall" skinny latte with a double shot and cinamon twist. Is there really any need to make them quite so strong?
12. The need to visit the very same coffee shop while abroad. I know I shouldn't but...
© 2010 Wilma Kay
Friday, 26 November 2010
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Things I hate about posh restaurants...
1. Having your coat taken off you and put somewhere secret. Not knowing where to get your coat from when you leave. Hovering around a door which may be a cloakroom or, alternatively, may be the gimp cupboard. Blushing after the idea of taking a much more expensive coat and flogging it on ebay flashes through your mind.
2. Being allocated a table for two hours only, no matter how many courses you are intending to order or how long you would like to spend enjoying your £45 steak. Being asked to move to "take coffee" in the bar. AKA "Your two hours is up. Shift."
3. Having the serviette carefully placed in your lap by a spotty teenage waiter who spends just slightly too long down there. And checks your cleavage out while he's at it. Get. Off. Me.
4. Being offered bread and butter, and then finding a £3 per head cover charge has been added to your bill. To cover what exactly? Excessive profit?
5. Being shown the label on the bottle of wine that you have chosen, so you can check it is the right one. Is that not the waiter's job? They don't ask you to check the water or your starter before placing it in front of you, so why the label on the wine?
6. Those who think that tasting the wine is a method of checking that you like it. Of course, if you have chosen badly, they won't mind at all if you send it back and try another one.
7. Having white wine held hostage in an ice bucket somewhere between your table and Australia. Waiting empty glassed to be served more wine or, on the other hand, having your glass filled every 30 seconds until the wine has gone and you haven't even caught a glimpse of your first course.
8. Unintelligible menus. Fennel. Shallots. Lardons. Confit. What is this muck?
9. An 18 inch white plate which arrives with all (what little there is) of the food piled up in the centre. Having to unstack before you can taste anything. This is a meal, not an exercise in building a wall.
10. Ordering the £45 steak and then having to order vegetables separately. This is not tapas. I am paying for the chef to put the meal together, not me.
11. Being asked how your meal is before you have got the first forkful to your mouth. Give me a chance to taste it and I will tell you exactly how it is. Impatient C_ck.
12. Finding a 12.5% "discretionary" service charge has been added to your bill. Here's your tip: Look up the meaning of "discretion".
© 2010 Wilma Kay
2. Being allocated a table for two hours only, no matter how many courses you are intending to order or how long you would like to spend enjoying your £45 steak. Being asked to move to "take coffee" in the bar. AKA "Your two hours is up. Shift."
3. Having the serviette carefully placed in your lap by a spotty teenage waiter who spends just slightly too long down there. And checks your cleavage out while he's at it. Get. Off. Me.
4. Being offered bread and butter, and then finding a £3 per head cover charge has been added to your bill. To cover what exactly? Excessive profit?
5. Being shown the label on the bottle of wine that you have chosen, so you can check it is the right one. Is that not the waiter's job? They don't ask you to check the water or your starter before placing it in front of you, so why the label on the wine?
6. Those who think that tasting the wine is a method of checking that you like it. Of course, if you have chosen badly, they won't mind at all if you send it back and try another one.
7. Having white wine held hostage in an ice bucket somewhere between your table and Australia. Waiting empty glassed to be served more wine or, on the other hand, having your glass filled every 30 seconds until the wine has gone and you haven't even caught a glimpse of your first course.
8. Unintelligible menus. Fennel. Shallots. Lardons. Confit. What is this muck?
9. An 18 inch white plate which arrives with all (what little there is) of the food piled up in the centre. Having to unstack before you can taste anything. This is a meal, not an exercise in building a wall.
10. Ordering the £45 steak and then having to order vegetables separately. This is not tapas. I am paying for the chef to put the meal together, not me.
11. Being asked how your meal is before you have got the first forkful to your mouth. Give me a chance to taste it and I will tell you exactly how it is. Impatient C_ck.
12. Finding a 12.5% "discretionary" service charge has been added to your bill. Here's your tip: Look up the meaning of "discretion".
© 2010 Wilma Kay
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Things I hate about flirting by text…
1. Complete lack of awareness of when a friendly text exchange morphs into e-flirting. Until it's too late and you find yourself trying to dream up a witty response to "well why don't you take your knickers off then."
2. Never knowing how many "x"s to put at the end of a text. Counting "x"s at the end of a text received. Getting upset when the flirtee puts less "x"s at the end of a text than you did.
3. Constantly checking your phone, awaiting the next missive from the e-flirtee. Getting irked when said e-flirtee does not respond within 20 minutes. What can possibly be more important than responding to you???
4. Turning the phone off and on again to ensure it's in good working order. Dialling his number from the office phone to check his phone is in good working order. And then hanging up.
5. Text winks. You don't wink in real life so don't wink by text.
6. The beeping of a received text while you are in a meeting unable to look at your phone. The subsequent build up of excitement until the meeting ends and you discover the text is from your mobile phone provider offering you a free cinema ticket for one. Even Orange appear to know the sad state of affairs that is your love life.
7. Scrabbling with the keys to peruse your sent items when you receive an provocative text at 8am apropos seemingly nothing. The subsequent feeling of doom in the pit of the stomach after discovering a text sent after too many pinot grigios. You didn't even know you knew that word.
8. One word responses to long flirtations that took several consultations with the dictionary to compile. Effort factor zero does not make you a hero.
9. Receiving the response "sorry who is this?" after swapping numbers on a Friday night. Call their bluff and send back "STD clinic. Pls call immediately".
10. Text harrassment from someone you met once and really should not have given your no to. Go away.
11. Accidentally pressing the call button mid-text and panicking as you try to end the call before he answers, kicking yourself that it will show as a missed call on his phone. Very uncool.
12. Dumping by text. Ouch.
© 2010 Wilma Kay
2. Never knowing how many "x"s to put at the end of a text. Counting "x"s at the end of a text received. Getting upset when the flirtee puts less "x"s at the end of a text than you did.
3. Constantly checking your phone, awaiting the next missive from the e-flirtee. Getting irked when said e-flirtee does not respond within 20 minutes. What can possibly be more important than responding to you???
4. Turning the phone off and on again to ensure it's in good working order. Dialling his number from the office phone to check his phone is in good working order. And then hanging up.
5. Text winks. You don't wink in real life so don't wink by text.
6. The beeping of a received text while you are in a meeting unable to look at your phone. The subsequent build up of excitement until the meeting ends and you discover the text is from your mobile phone provider offering you a free cinema ticket for one. Even Orange appear to know the sad state of affairs that is your love life.
7. Scrabbling with the keys to peruse your sent items when you receive an provocative text at 8am apropos seemingly nothing. The subsequent feeling of doom in the pit of the stomach after discovering a text sent after too many pinot grigios. You didn't even know you knew that word.
8. One word responses to long flirtations that took several consultations with the dictionary to compile. Effort factor zero does not make you a hero.
9. Receiving the response "sorry who is this?" after swapping numbers on a Friday night. Call their bluff and send back "STD clinic. Pls call immediately".
10. Text harrassment from someone you met once and really should not have given your no to. Go away.
11. Accidentally pressing the call button mid-text and panicking as you try to end the call before he answers, kicking yourself that it will show as a missed call on his phone. Very uncool.
12. Dumping by text. Ouch.
© 2010 Wilma Kay
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Things I hate about getting older...
1. Having to sit down to do up ones shoes. And then finding that they are on the wrong feet.
2. The first time you are referred to on the continent as Madame instead of Mademoiselle. Can you see a wedding ring???
3. Wrinkles that show the world how you slept last night and don't seem to want to disappear upon application of moisturiser you had to go on a waiting list and re-mortgage your house for.
4. Mortgage companies who refuse to lend you money for more than 15 years even though, according to the coalition, you will be wording for another 25.
5. Obsessive weighing and sinking heart when it is confirmed that you put on 2lb after eating one chip. The subsequent refusal of fat to shift, even after starving oneself for several hours.
6. Heartburn after eating anything remotely nice. The need to carry Gaviscon in your handbag.
7. Being unable to operate a computer without assistance from your 7 year old niece.
8. Forgetting where you put your car keys, just like your mum does. Leaving your house keys in the front door. Overnight.
9. Wicked grey hair that doubles the cost of your hairdressing bills and has a texture that increases your resemblance to Wurzel Gummidge day by day.
10. A growing preference for sensible shoes and similar evidence of your sudden and unashamed need to put comfort over style.
11. Consistently looking forward to going to bed at 10pm and the feeling of disappointment if a night out prevents you from achieving that.
12. Taking a sudden interest in bedding plants, bird feeders and other garden paraphernalia. Happily adding "weed the garden" to the weekend to do list.
© 2010 Wilma Kay
2. The first time you are referred to on the continent as Madame instead of Mademoiselle. Can you see a wedding ring???
3. Wrinkles that show the world how you slept last night and don't seem to want to disappear upon application of moisturiser you had to go on a waiting list and re-mortgage your house for.
4. Mortgage companies who refuse to lend you money for more than 15 years even though, according to the coalition, you will be wording for another 25.
5. Obsessive weighing and sinking heart when it is confirmed that you put on 2lb after eating one chip. The subsequent refusal of fat to shift, even after starving oneself for several hours.
6. Heartburn after eating anything remotely nice. The need to carry Gaviscon in your handbag.
7. Being unable to operate a computer without assistance from your 7 year old niece.
8. Forgetting where you put your car keys, just like your mum does. Leaving your house keys in the front door. Overnight.
9. Wicked grey hair that doubles the cost of your hairdressing bills and has a texture that increases your resemblance to Wurzel Gummidge day by day.
10. A growing preference for sensible shoes and similar evidence of your sudden and unashamed need to put comfort over style.
11. Consistently looking forward to going to bed at 10pm and the feeling of disappointment if a night out prevents you from achieving that.
12. Taking a sudden interest in bedding plants, bird feeders and other garden paraphernalia. Happily adding "weed the garden" to the weekend to do list.
© 2010 Wilma Kay
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Things I hate about airports...
1. "Express" trains that charge you almost the cost of the air ticket to get to the airport. And then make you walk almost as far again to the terminal.
2. Automated check ins that require a masters in IT to operate and appear consistently unable to accept your "machine readable" passport.
3. Those that appear to be checking in their entire family and its worldly goods directly in front of you, and then proceed to open suitcases to remove items which weigh in at double the free allowance.
4. Security scanners that require you to remove half of your clothing in order to pass through undetected.
5. Those who fail to anticipate security scanners and turn up in thigh high leather boots with toe caps and steel studded belts, all of which must be removed before they, or you, are free to pass.
6. Airside restaurants who apparently don't realise that those eating have not just come for a slap up meal airside, but in fact have a certain sense of urgency, like a flight to board.
7. Being asked to show a boarding pass in order to purchase a newspaper.
8. Vehicles carrying apparently disabled or evidently obese passengers to the gate, who beep at you and expect you to jump aside as you make the long walk unaided.
9. Being ordered to walk across the tarmac to board an aircraft on the other side of the airport in howling wind, and then queuing as the family who checked in before you take an eternity to board, find their seats, stow their numerous hand bags and generally organise themselves. Shift.
10. Baggage carousels, at which you wait for your checked baggage to arrive or not, as the case may be.
11. Those who insist on giving their children a ride on a trolley, leaving you to carry your own baggage while trying to dodge their eratic moves as you furtively make your way to the nothing to declare channel.
12. Those waiting in arrivals with signs bearing the names of people who will be carried to their destination in chauffeur driven car while you sweat it out on local transport in a language utterly unfamiliar.
© 2010 Wilma Kay
2. Automated check ins that require a masters in IT to operate and appear consistently unable to accept your "machine readable" passport.
3. Those that appear to be checking in their entire family and its worldly goods directly in front of you, and then proceed to open suitcases to remove items which weigh in at double the free allowance.
4. Security scanners that require you to remove half of your clothing in order to pass through undetected.
5. Those who fail to anticipate security scanners and turn up in thigh high leather boots with toe caps and steel studded belts, all of which must be removed before they, or you, are free to pass.
6. Airside restaurants who apparently don't realise that those eating have not just come for a slap up meal airside, but in fact have a certain sense of urgency, like a flight to board.
7. Being asked to show a boarding pass in order to purchase a newspaper.
8. Vehicles carrying apparently disabled or evidently obese passengers to the gate, who beep at you and expect you to jump aside as you make the long walk unaided.
9. Being ordered to walk across the tarmac to board an aircraft on the other side of the airport in howling wind, and then queuing as the family who checked in before you take an eternity to board, find their seats, stow their numerous hand bags and generally organise themselves. Shift.
10. Baggage carousels, at which you wait for your checked baggage to arrive or not, as the case may be.
11. Those who insist on giving their children a ride on a trolley, leaving you to carry your own baggage while trying to dodge their eratic moves as you furtively make your way to the nothing to declare channel.
12. Those waiting in arrivals with signs bearing the names of people who will be carried to their destination in chauffeur driven car while you sweat it out on local transport in a language utterly unfamiliar.
© 2010 Wilma Kay
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Things I hate about lifts...
1. Fellow riders who stand in front of the control panel so you cannot see if your floor has been pressed.
2. Personal space invaders, especially when the lift is empty. Shift.
3. Studious eye contact avoiders.
4. Inane chat between fellow riders.
5. Those who press the wrong floor, then laugh at how scatty they are. Hilarious.
6. Body odour.
7. Those who try to get in before you have gotten out. Wait. Your. Turn.
8. Those who hold the doors open to finish a conversation. Get out.
9. Those who stand in front of you and refuse to move when you want to get out. Lemme out.
10. Door hurlers who arrive just as the doors are closing but insist on getting that lift, thereby delaying everybody.
11. Jumping up and down. Get a life.
12. The voice of the lift lady who tells you to have a nice evening when you have only popped out to get a sandwich because you are working late. F_ck you.
© 2010 Wilma Kay
2. Personal space invaders, especially when the lift is empty. Shift.
3. Studious eye contact avoiders.
4. Inane chat between fellow riders.
5. Those who press the wrong floor, then laugh at how scatty they are. Hilarious.
6. Body odour.
7. Those who try to get in before you have gotten out. Wait. Your. Turn.
8. Those who hold the doors open to finish a conversation. Get out.
9. Those who stand in front of you and refuse to move when you want to get out. Lemme out.
10. Door hurlers who arrive just as the doors are closing but insist on getting that lift, thereby delaying everybody.
11. Jumping up and down. Get a life.
12. The voice of the lift lady who tells you to have a nice evening when you have only popped out to get a sandwich because you are working late. F_ck you.
© 2010 Wilma Kay
Saturday, 12 June 2010
Things I hate about supermarkets...
1. Parent and child parking, which appears to take up more and more of the car park every time I visit. This is the most obvious case of positive discrimination I have ever come across.
2. The illogical location of chilled items near the entrance, which means that everything capable of generating e coli gradually gets warmer as you peruse the tinned items, household products and booze section.
3. Trolley wobble. We can put man on the moon but...
4. The need to carry a pound coin with you at all times.
5. Shelf stackers who think they have right of way to cut in front of your trolley, blocking access to the one item you need.
6. Stacking items with a sell by date of tomorrow near the front of the fridge and items with a longer shelf life towards the back. We were not born yesterday.
7. Security tags on gin and champagne but not on a 1974 bottle of bordeaux. Query am I being discriminated against again?
8. The seasonal section which appears to sell barbecue fuel in the winter and christmas lights in August.
9. Automated check outs. I have never managed an entire transaction without needing to call over the disinterested "assistant" whose job it appears to be to stand still and stare into the middle distance.
10. Checkouts manned by individuals competing for the olympic gold in scanning your purchases, leaving you breaking out in a sweat trying to bag everything before you are asked for your club card.
11. Assistant bag packers who pack 12 kilos worth of purchases in one bag and one cornflake in the other.
12. The guilt of having to ask for a plastic bag.
© 2010 Wilma Kay
2. The illogical location of chilled items near the entrance, which means that everything capable of generating e coli gradually gets warmer as you peruse the tinned items, household products and booze section.
3. Trolley wobble. We can put man on the moon but...
4. The need to carry a pound coin with you at all times.
5. Shelf stackers who think they have right of way to cut in front of your trolley, blocking access to the one item you need.
6. Stacking items with a sell by date of tomorrow near the front of the fridge and items with a longer shelf life towards the back. We were not born yesterday.
7. Security tags on gin and champagne but not on a 1974 bottle of bordeaux. Query am I being discriminated against again?
8. The seasonal section which appears to sell barbecue fuel in the winter and christmas lights in August.
9. Automated check outs. I have never managed an entire transaction without needing to call over the disinterested "assistant" whose job it appears to be to stand still and stare into the middle distance.
10. Checkouts manned by individuals competing for the olympic gold in scanning your purchases, leaving you breaking out in a sweat trying to bag everything before you are asked for your club card.
11. Assistant bag packers who pack 12 kilos worth of purchases in one bag and one cornflake in the other.
12. The guilt of having to ask for a plastic bag.
© 2010 Wilma Kay
Friday, 14 May 2010
Things I hate about customer services...
1. Automated messaging systems that take you through the options, none of which apply to you. And then cut you off.
2. Holding music. What was I calling about again…?
3. An interlude in the holding music to be told I am 29th in line.
4. And then, when you do get through, when you eventually get through to a real live human being with a pulse and everything … oh the excitement … they are unintelligible.
5. Scripts. Why not email it to me and I will follow my part, help make it easy for you.
6. Being asked to put my complaint in writing. Why have a helpline, then?
7. Being asked for a password I set some time before the war.
8. Lies. You know you are in Mumbai. I know you are in Mumbai. So, Stephen, please don't pretend you support Tranmere Rovers.
9. Policy. It's not my policy to be nice. Let's compromise, shall we?
10. Being denied a sensible solution and then hearing, "is there anything else I can do for you this afternoon?" Resign?
11. Speaking to the manager and finding out he is younger than your oldest pair of tights.
12. "We will call you back". Of course you will...
© 2010 Wilma Kay
2. Holding music. What was I calling about again…?
3. An interlude in the holding music to be told I am 29th in line.
4. And then, when you do get through, when you eventually get through to a real live human being with a pulse and everything … oh the excitement … they are unintelligible.
5. Scripts. Why not email it to me and I will follow my part, help make it easy for you.
6. Being asked to put my complaint in writing. Why have a helpline, then?
7. Being asked for a password I set some time before the war.
8. Lies. You know you are in Mumbai. I know you are in Mumbai. So, Stephen, please don't pretend you support Tranmere Rovers.
9. Policy. It's not my policy to be nice. Let's compromise, shall we?
10. Being denied a sensible solution and then hearing, "is there anything else I can do for you this afternoon?" Resign?
11. Speaking to the manager and finding out he is younger than your oldest pair of tights.
12. "We will call you back". Of course you will...
© 2010 Wilma Kay
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