1. Brochures depicting idyllic scenes of white sand, hammocks and turquoise waters, when the reality is a scene from raiders of the lost ark. Set in Beirut.
2. Agents who insist on taking payment in full in January when you aren't due to depart until August. Next year.
3. Getting up at the crack of dawn for a charter flight which leaves from an airport somewhere in the shires. Greasy airport cooked breakfasts that you "treat" yourself to.
4. Boarding the aircraft to find you are seated next to a group of 18 30s teenagers on a stag weekend merrily tucking into a bottle of vodka despite the ungodly hour. Vomit down your back.
5. Purchasing an over priced rubber snack from someone orange posing as an undercover salesperson for a scratch card company.
6. Meeting your "rep" at the destination airport, only to find she is also the rep for all flights arriving from the UK that day, all due in several hours after your own. Realising you have no currency to buy a coffee while you wait.
7. Boarding a coach along with half of Essex, to be talked at for the duration of the journey by said rep about overpriced undersubscribed excursions you can book via the same company.
8. Taking a de tour via every hotel in the area before reaching your own, thereby adding 4 hours to the "transfer" time.
9. Reaching your own hotel to find there was a reason it was left until last. Wishing you could have been dropped at the previous hotel.
10. All inclusive holidays that only actually include cheap gin served by odorous, snaggle toothed waiters and a self service salad bar hosting hard boiled eggs posing as bullets.
11. Sunburn. Gastroenteritis. Ear infections. Insect bites.
12. Paying for your "holiday" twice when the tour company goes bust leaving you stranded in Turkey with an ever mounting hotel bill.
© 2011 Wilma Kay
Friday 5 August 2011
Sunday 6 February 2011
Things I hate about hangovers...
1. Waking up with an overweight rhino stomping about behind your eyes, which insists on stomping harder upon any movement of a little finger.
2. The accuracy of the taste of last night's rocket fuel in the back of your throat.
3. Teeth fur. Tongue fur. Just fur.
4. The inability to open your eyes beyond slits.
5. The immediate urge to vomit upon adopting the sitting position.
6. Bad breath on an offensive scale. Mixed with the aroma associated with sweating 40% proof.
7. The sight and smell of last night's offending half drunk glass of whiskey.
8. Wretching at the smell of bacon.
9. The burning sensation in your oesophagus upon attempting to imbibe orange juice. The burning sensation in your oesophagus when said orange juice makes a swift and messy reappearance.
10. Occupying the loo for an inordinate amount of time. And then realising it's the other end that isn't well. Out of time.
11. Feeling dry. Inside and out.
12. The pretence that you didn't drink too much at all last night. And that you feel just fine. No really.
© 2011 Wilma Kay
2. The accuracy of the taste of last night's rocket fuel in the back of your throat.
3. Teeth fur. Tongue fur. Just fur.
4. The inability to open your eyes beyond slits.
5. The immediate urge to vomit upon adopting the sitting position.
6. Bad breath on an offensive scale. Mixed with the aroma associated with sweating 40% proof.
7. The sight and smell of last night's offending half drunk glass of whiskey.
8. Wretching at the smell of bacon.
9. The burning sensation in your oesophagus upon attempting to imbibe orange juice. The burning sensation in your oesophagus when said orange juice makes a swift and messy reappearance.
10. Occupying the loo for an inordinate amount of time. And then realising it's the other end that isn't well. Out of time.
11. Feeling dry. Inside and out.
12. The pretence that you didn't drink too much at all last night. And that you feel just fine. No really.
© 2011 Wilma Kay
Saturday 1 January 2011
Things I hate about January...
1. Realising that you have 31 days in which to submit your tax return. And not knowing where to start.
2. Finding all of your friends are operating a 31 day alcohol ban. Just when a sanity bottle of wine has never been higher on your list of priorities. After the tax return.
3. Running out of reasons not to hoover up the pine needles for that one last time. Emptying the hoover of pine needles into a bin bag that promptly splits, thereby spreading needles over the carpet once again.
4. The invasion of middle aged spread in your gym, occupying your treadmill at the very time it's usually yours. And leaving sweat patches on the handrail.
5. The return of unwanted Christmas gifts, only to find they are on sale and, without a receipt, your refund is knocked down by 20%.
6. The temptation to snaffle half a box of left over Celebrations while the rest of the galaxy (that is a chocolate bar...) is on a diet.
7. Black ice. Or just ice. The sledge has been archived and we are back at work, so give us a chance to get there some time today without pranging any bumpers.
8.Filling in for middle class pr_cks who insist on taking time off to throw themselves down a mountain on a tray.
9. Filling in for middle class pr_cks who have broken a femur while throwing themselves down a mountain on a tray.
10. Adverts for diets, exercise, fruit, vegetables, anything remotely good for you.
11. Adverts for cadbury's creme eggs.
12. The thought that Christmas is only 11 months away.
© 2011 Wilma Kay
2. Finding all of your friends are operating a 31 day alcohol ban. Just when a sanity bottle of wine has never been higher on your list of priorities. After the tax return.
3. Running out of reasons not to hoover up the pine needles for that one last time. Emptying the hoover of pine needles into a bin bag that promptly splits, thereby spreading needles over the carpet once again.
4. The invasion of middle aged spread in your gym, occupying your treadmill at the very time it's usually yours. And leaving sweat patches on the handrail.
5. The return of unwanted Christmas gifts, only to find they are on sale and, without a receipt, your refund is knocked down by 20%.
6. The temptation to snaffle half a box of left over Celebrations while the rest of the galaxy (that is a chocolate bar...) is on a diet.
7. Black ice. Or just ice. The sledge has been archived and we are back at work, so give us a chance to get there some time today without pranging any bumpers.
8.Filling in for middle class pr_cks who insist on taking time off to throw themselves down a mountain on a tray.
9. Filling in for middle class pr_cks who have broken a femur while throwing themselves down a mountain on a tray.
10. Adverts for diets, exercise, fruit, vegetables, anything remotely good for you.
11. Adverts for cadbury's creme eggs.
12. The thought that Christmas is only 11 months away.
© 2011 Wilma Kay
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